self-awareness – Jason A Woodruff

Sometimes it is difficult to muster the strength and energy to do much of anything -let alone run a business. I like to call it my battle within. In the past, this battle has hindered my ability to keep projects, focus on tasks, and -where my business endeavors matter- manage and maintain my business.

I can’t pinpoint the first time that I battled the battle within. I can remember as a kid that I would suddenly lose interest in the things I love to do. I usually kept myself preoccupied with books, music, and studying -usually I’d bounce among the various topics. When I’d get bored doing one thing for a period of time, I’d stop it and move to something else. This continues to this day -albeit much more randomly.

My emotions, as an adult, are much stronger than they were as a kid. I’m not sure if this is due to being an adult -physiologically- or whether it is due to the natural progression of bipolar disorder (if there is such a progression). When it comes to battling the battle within, my emotions definitely have more of a contribution. At times when I lose interest in my work, I find that I am met with a more depressed, melancholic state. Not quite a low -but definitely not a high. It’s not full on depression though.

During these times, nearly all work is put on hold -as the battle rages inside me. I listen to music, try to maintain myself from wanting to break down and cry, and -most importantly- do what I can to prevent the low from spiraling into full blown depression. Usually, I can control it to some degree. Time matters more in that regard then anything else.

Somehow, I have to find a way to continue working during these periods. Unlike physical labor, it’s difficult to maintain intellectual work as my thoughts race quickly. I’m sure if I were doing more physical work, I could just put some headphones in and get down to business. Does that mean I’m in the wrong profession? No, just have to find a way to make it happen.

And it is that last sentence that matters the most. No matter the battles raging inside your mind, your heart, or anywhere else, you have to find a way to keep things going. You have to find a way to make it happen. That’s what life is about after all. The sun will still rise and the moon will still go through its phases. In time, those battles will dissipate and you’ll be on some sort of normal. You just have to find a way to make it happen.

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Being bipolar is still something that I’m learning to cope with. Despite living with the illness for quite some time, there’s a difference when you have identified what something is. It is only then that you are able to get the help and care that you need. Treatment, however, doesn’t mean that you are 100% better.

As an entrepreneur and business owner, I’ve found it difficult at times to manage my business -particularly in regards to the cycles of bipolar. For me, irritability and irregular mood patterns (at least, I feel they are irregular) do it in for me. I can go months on end functioning normal. Then suddenly a high comes that lasts for an extended period of time. Or, worse, I get really depressed and begin to withdraw from everything.

This constant struggle of moods is what prevented me from enjoying most of my twenties. It harmed my ability to make lasting friends. It even harmed a long term relationship. My goal is to make sure that it doesn’t hinder my ability to develop and grow a sustained business. Along this course, the struggle is real.

This isn’t to say that I don’t have excellent coping mechanisms in place to help bring my mood back into balance. Music certainly helps -as does writing. As I’ve mentioned in other blog articles, I’ve never been one to talk about my feelings or my past. Those two areas have always been my own to explore and correct. That’s just how I was raised. So talking about my feelings or my past is a moot point.

A struggle of moods is a difficult battle to fight. For a lot of sufferers of bipolar disorder, the end result can be tragic. I don’t want to end up among the many who have made the decision to end their own life. I’ve thought about it -but those thoughts always end up to dwelling on all the people who would miss me. To take the words from Manchester Orchestra’s song, I Can Barely Breathe, if you knew I was dying… would it change you.

In a way, my illness -and the struggle of moods that accompanies it- is what drives me to want to succeed. To prove that someone who struggles with an inner battle can amount to something in this life. That my life isn’t just a tragic tale of a guy, who grew up in poverty and abuse, just gave up living because he couldn’t go on anymore. That’s not the story I want for my life. That’s not the story I want to live.

I want to make an impact on the people around me. I want them to see someone who -when others said he wouldn’t amount to jack shit- took life by the reigns and created something for himself. That I could stare my supposed fate in the eye and demand more than what it wanted to give me. That I built my own future and created the change necessary to make it happen. My struggle of moods pales in comparison to that goal. My future depends on it.

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Tag: self-awareness

A Battle Within

A Struggle Of Moods