It’s the little things that trigger it. A song. A picture. A phone that doesn’t stop ringing. You wouldn’t know it unless I tell you -and most likely, I won’t tell anyone. There are times that I keep my mood cycles closed off to everyone -after all, just cause I’m feeling down doesn’t mean that I want you to know about it.
I never know what triggers my lows. Unlike my manic cycles, they seem to just pop up without any warning. I’ll be working, talking to family, or just playing on my phone and BOOM… I’ll feel sad. It’s when the cycle drags on that it gets worse.
I can remember years ago, during one long lasting low, that I would cry at nearly every movie I watched. My ex walked in as I was watching this movie that starred Madonna, I was fully in tears. He never understood. In retrospect, I didn’t understand either. It just sort of happened.
It is at my lowest points that I do think about suicide. I know I won’t ever make another attempt -but, I often think about it. At those moments, I don’t consider that people will even care. Life unworthy of life. And I’ve made plenty of attempts.
My earliest suicide attempt was at the age of 13 or 14. I was working with my uncle at an appliance shop he owned. There, in the bathroom, I drank nearly a full bottle of toilet bowl cleaner. I figured the acid would eat me from the inside out. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I did get a bad case of heartburn out of it.
As I got older, I began to pay attention to when I start to feel a low coming on. The sudden encroachment of the mood cycle makes it difficult. Once I’m in my low though, I medicate heavily with music. That does seem to help. It at least gives me a vehicle through which I can let the emotion run its course.
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Jason A Woodruff 