depression – Jason A Woodruff

Sometimes it is difficult to muster the strength and energy to do much of anything -let alone run a business. I like to call it my battle within. In the past, this battle has hindered my ability to keep projects, focus on tasks, and -where my business endeavors matter- manage and maintain my business.

I can’t pinpoint the first time that I battled the battle within. I can remember as a kid that I would suddenly lose interest in the things I love to do. I usually kept myself preoccupied with books, music, and studying -usually I’d bounce among the various topics. When I’d get bored doing one thing for a period of time, I’d stop it and move to something else. This continues to this day -albeit much more randomly.

My emotions, as an adult, are much stronger than they were as a kid. I’m not sure if this is due to being an adult -physiologically- or whether it is due to the natural progression of bipolar disorder (if there is such a progression). When it comes to battling the battle within, my emotions definitely have more of a contribution. At times when I lose interest in my work, I find that I am met with a more depressed, melancholic state. Not quite a low -but definitely not a high. It’s not full on depression though.

During these times, nearly all work is put on hold -as the battle rages inside me. I listen to music, try to maintain myself from wanting to break down and cry, and -most importantly- do what I can to prevent the low from spiraling into full blown depression. Usually, I can control it to some degree. Time matters more in that regard then anything else.

Somehow, I have to find a way to continue working during these periods. Unlike physical labor, it’s difficult to maintain intellectual work as my thoughts race quickly. I’m sure if I were doing more physical work, I could just put some headphones in and get down to business. Does that mean I’m in the wrong profession? No, just have to find a way to make it happen.

And it is that last sentence that matters the most. No matter the battles raging inside your mind, your heart, or anywhere else, you have to find a way to keep things going. You have to find a way to make it happen. That’s what life is about after all. The sun will still rise and the moon will still go through its phases. In time, those battles will dissipate and you’ll be on some sort of normal. You just have to find a way to make it happen.

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It’s the little things that trigger it. A song. A picture. A phone that doesn’t stop ringing. You wouldn’t know it unless I tell you -and most likely, I won’t tell anyone. There are times that I keep my mood cycles closed off to everyone -after all, just cause I’m feeling down doesn’t mean that I want you to know about it.

I never know what triggers my lows. Unlike my manic cycles, they seem to just pop up without any warning. I’ll be working, talking to family, or just playing on my phone and BOOM… I’ll feel sad. It’s when the cycle drags on that it gets worse.

I can remember years ago, during one long lasting low, that I would cry at nearly every movie I watched. My ex walked in as I was watching this movie that starred Madonna, I was fully in tears. He never understood. In retrospect, I didn’t understand either. It just sort of happened.

It is at my lowest points that I do think about suicide. I know I won’t ever make another attempt -but, I often think about it. At those moments, I don’t consider that people will even care. Life unworthy of life. And I’ve made plenty of attempts.

My earliest suicide attempt was at the age of 13 or 14. I was working with my uncle at an appliance shop he owned. There, in the bathroom, I drank nearly a full bottle of toilet bowl cleaner. I figured the acid would eat me from the inside out. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I did get a bad case of heartburn out of it.

As I got older, I began to pay attention to when I start to feel a low coming on. The sudden encroachment of the mood cycle makes it difficult. Once I’m in my low though, I medicate heavily with music. That does seem to help. It at least gives me a vehicle through which I can let the emotion run its course.

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Tag: depression

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